Do you ever get tired of the same old struggles? I do. I have a relationship in my life that if left up to me I would choose to avoid. It causes pain and confusion and never lives up to my expectations. It doesn't appear to be getting any better no matter how hard I try. But that is what I feel like God just spoke to me a little bit ago. That once again I was trying in my own power and strength to fix this relationship. The truth is I am just not strong enough. The truth is I must confess to God that only He can bring healing in this relationship. The truth is that His healing may not be the way I want it to be. The truth is the healing may not come this side of heaven, no matter how bad I want it to be here, now. He has reminded me of this time and time again. But here I am this morning still going round and round with it in my heart and mind. My humanness wants everything to be right and peaceful and pleasant all the time. But the very humanness of me and others around me prevents that from being. It is so very easy to get discouraged. To want to sit in the Kroger parking lot and cry over it. (Not that I have ever done that or anything) Last night as I was reading in the Bible, in Numbers, about how God told Moses to record all that the Israelites had went through on their journey to the promised land I was struck once more of the similarities of me and them. Both freed from bondage. Both ongoing struggles of doubt, disobedience, rebellions. They finally arriving at their destination, me a hope of the land ahead. Moses recorded that they camped here then left and stayed there. Camped there, left here, camped here, left there. Each stage along the way God teaching them, guiding them, forgiving them then having to teach them all over again. Totally familiar to me! I have spent countless energy mulling, complaining, crying over this situation that refuses to be fixed then reminded that He is in control of it all along. His discipline is bittersweet. It hurts that I have failed to give Him this matter AGAIN. But sweet to know He takes me back forgives me and speaks comforting words over me and my life and the life of my children. That He has not left us out in the desert to fiend for ourselves, He has a plan. One that will be better and have sweeter results than what I ever could have brought about on my own. And like the Israelites I have made progress all along the way. Be it small at times it is still a step taking me closer to Him. How grateful I am for His Sovereignty. I know this has been more like a journal entry into my diary than an email. But as always it is where I am at this morning. Overwhelmed at where He has brought me and all the healing He has already done in my life. Hopeful that as I stay faithful and hold to His hand for dear life that more is still to come. Tearful that I briefly let go of His trusting hand. Bruised from my stumbling when I went my own way with things. Comforted that once again my Heavenly Father came and got me, scolded me for running off then cleaning me up lovingly once again. We are walking again this morning together. I hope this encourages you too to hold on.
Dear Father please forgive me for allowing my thoughts to swerve me off the path. I have stewed over this one relationship. Questioned why you would have me still dealing with it when it seems to not make sense and hurts some. Please fill in the gaps around me for my husband, for me and for my kids. You are the ultimate Healer and Provider. Thank you for bringing me back to you. Thank you for what you have done and what I am confident you are going to do in the future for my family.
In Your Name, Amen.
Hope you girls have a great week! Get in the Word and Stay in the Word!
Carrie
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
A sharp tongued momma and a priest
Morning! IIIIIIIt's Monday!!
I am coming from an especially low point this morning. One of the ugliest things about me is I can really lose my temper with my kids. I have confessed that to you before. It grieves me more than anything else in my life. I will work really hard and do well and then bam I totally lose it!! I hate it. Last night was one of those times. We had arrived home from CHURCH of all places and there was grumbling in the camp. I came down the hallway to catch two (who shall remain nameless) pushing each other around like barn animals! I had a fit. A loud fit. Louder than the two culprits had been. I am almost sure I may have flailed my arms and jumped up and down. When I was finished spitting and spewing I came down to see the two involved crying, the innocent one (who was naked)had come into watch the spectacle and was crying too. Not to mention my dear sweet husband was standing speechless. I think they were waiting for my head to spin around and smoke to come out of my ears! I turned around in a huff and colapsed in a heap in my chair in my room. Oddly enough same place I have my quiet time. Immediate conviction squeezed my soul. There it was again and I hated it. This sin makes my heart feel as black as night. It reminds me how very unholy I really am. An hour later found all the family in our sitting room. I had sobbed and apologized. We all cried. I would like to think that they felt bad for their part in it but really I think it was tears of "mom has gone crazy just like I knew she would one day and what is going to happen to us now oh maybe we can go live with nana" tears! I went to bed and awoke with a heavy hopeless feeling. Dreading any interaction with the kids, just knowing I would fail! Everyone else bounded up ready to start the day. I wanted to cover up my head, crawl in a hole, or disappear. But Oh how I am grateful for my husband. He is most always hopeful and optimistic. My visions of the future can involve gloom and doom where his are always bright and beautiful! He spoke words of life over me. He reminded me of the time when Moses had been up on that mountain with God and the people down below were grumbling. Aaron actually instructed the complaining group to build a golden cow that they could worship! Then made up some lame excuse to the angry Moses that the cow just popped out of the fire! Now before you question what does this have any thing to do with my sin. Imagine what a failure Aaron must have felt like. He knew his brother was on a mountain with God. He had seen God part the red sea for crying out loud!! And still made such a stupid mistake. He led God's chosen people in worshiping another! Talk about SIN! I can see Aaron wanting to hide in his tent after the confrontation with Moses. Not wanting to show his face to the people. Wanting to give up, crawl in a hole, cover up his head. But as messed up as he was, God still wanted to use him, still had a plan for him. God in His grace still desired Aaron to be the head priest of His wonderful tabernacle. As big as my mistake was, God's forgiveness is bigger and His grace is greater. I must walk in that truth and not wallow in my weakness no matter how big. He still wants to use me, still has a plan for me. Through His Holy Spirit I will learn to control my tongue, hopefully sooner rather than later. But when I fall and I will again and again, I must cling to the fact that He delights in using broken vessels and messed up priests. It shows off His greatness when He uses the weak. "Dear God please fill in my gaps. I have so many. Help me to speak softly and slowly even when breaking up fights, teaching long multiplication, and present tense verbs. When I am cooking lunch, when I step on legos, when I am cleaning up toothpaste that some guy named "not me" squirted on the counter again! In your word Father it says that anger does not bring about the righteousness that you desire. Please shut me up and you speak through me." Amen I hope that this yuck I shared with you can some how encourage you in your own sin struggle. I am about to leave this computer and be knee deep in it again, I covet your prayers the way you have mine.
Here we go
Carrie
I am coming from an especially low point this morning. One of the ugliest things about me is I can really lose my temper with my kids. I have confessed that to you before. It grieves me more than anything else in my life. I will work really hard and do well and then bam I totally lose it!! I hate it. Last night was one of those times. We had arrived home from CHURCH of all places and there was grumbling in the camp. I came down the hallway to catch two (who shall remain nameless) pushing each other around like barn animals! I had a fit. A loud fit. Louder than the two culprits had been. I am almost sure I may have flailed my arms and jumped up and down. When I was finished spitting and spewing I came down to see the two involved crying, the innocent one (who was naked)had come into watch the spectacle and was crying too. Not to mention my dear sweet husband was standing speechless. I think they were waiting for my head to spin around and smoke to come out of my ears! I turned around in a huff and colapsed in a heap in my chair in my room. Oddly enough same place I have my quiet time. Immediate conviction squeezed my soul. There it was again and I hated it. This sin makes my heart feel as black as night. It reminds me how very unholy I really am. An hour later found all the family in our sitting room. I had sobbed and apologized. We all cried. I would like to think that they felt bad for their part in it but really I think it was tears of "mom has gone crazy just like I knew she would one day and what is going to happen to us now oh maybe we can go live with nana" tears! I went to bed and awoke with a heavy hopeless feeling. Dreading any interaction with the kids, just knowing I would fail! Everyone else bounded up ready to start the day. I wanted to cover up my head, crawl in a hole, or disappear. But Oh how I am grateful for my husband. He is most always hopeful and optimistic. My visions of the future can involve gloom and doom where his are always bright and beautiful! He spoke words of life over me. He reminded me of the time when Moses had been up on that mountain with God and the people down below were grumbling. Aaron actually instructed the complaining group to build a golden cow that they could worship! Then made up some lame excuse to the angry Moses that the cow just popped out of the fire! Now before you question what does this have any thing to do with my sin. Imagine what a failure Aaron must have felt like. He knew his brother was on a mountain with God. He had seen God part the red sea for crying out loud!! And still made such a stupid mistake. He led God's chosen people in worshiping another! Talk about SIN! I can see Aaron wanting to hide in his tent after the confrontation with Moses. Not wanting to show his face to the people. Wanting to give up, crawl in a hole, cover up his head. But as messed up as he was, God still wanted to use him, still had a plan for him. God in His grace still desired Aaron to be the head priest of His wonderful tabernacle. As big as my mistake was, God's forgiveness is bigger and His grace is greater. I must walk in that truth and not wallow in my weakness no matter how big. He still wants to use me, still has a plan for me. Through His Holy Spirit I will learn to control my tongue, hopefully sooner rather than later. But when I fall and I will again and again, I must cling to the fact that He delights in using broken vessels and messed up priests. It shows off His greatness when He uses the weak. "Dear God please fill in my gaps. I have so many. Help me to speak softly and slowly even when breaking up fights, teaching long multiplication, and present tense verbs. When I am cooking lunch, when I step on legos, when I am cleaning up toothpaste that some guy named "not me" squirted on the counter again! In your word Father it says that anger does not bring about the righteousness that you desire. Please shut me up and you speak through me." Amen I hope that this yuck I shared with you can some how encourage you in your own sin struggle. I am about to leave this computer and be knee deep in it again, I covet your prayers the way you have mine.
Here we go
Carrie
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Sin Stinks!
When I first accepted Christ I thought that eventually you would get so close to Him that sin wouldn't be such a struggle. What a joke! Now I realize that the closer you get to Him the more sin is magnified. I hate sin. Sin stinks. Terry and I were just discussing late last night how much we hated sin. Our own sins and just sin in general. Then he fell fast asleep and I was left to ponder sin and the effects it has on others for the rest of the night! Ugh! Sin is something that our Holy God takes very seriously and so should we. It is scary to me that so many of us think because we don't take part in the "really bad stuff" we are pretty good. But in my experience it is those sins that we keep secret. The ones that we cover up and make look nice that are really hideous and can do the most damage. In Matthew Jesus strongly rebukes the Pharisees. Saying "you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men's bones and uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. Woe to you" This morning when I was reading this I first thought how awful it would be for the Savior of the world to say "Woe to you" meaning me. These Pharisees had it all together they thought. But they did not deal with the inward heart and mind. Or rather allow Christ to deal with their heart and mind. As Christians we must deal with our sin. In my mind I picture sin as a dungeon. Each gray rough dull cement block keeps us from being free. It keeps us from purity, loveliness, peace and true contentment. Christ is on the other side of the prison calling to us. We can hear Him. But those big gray blocks are so heavy and I have to pick each one up out of the way. So I decide this is my lot in life, to stay here. I was born here why should I expect anything else. We look around and see everyone else in their cells so we try to make our cell look pretty. We paint it. We hang stuff on the walls. Banners that say "I can't help it" or "I accept myself" or "Home sweet home" But still there is that voice that we just barely hear over our pride, lust, gossip, overeating, under eating, anxiety, bitterness, selfishness. We think we hear someone singing....Something about love and freedom. But it is beyond all this and too much work. So we still try to make a life in this dark damp place. Making the best of it! Every day we have a choice to stay here like those around us or to begin the long process of dealing with our sin one block at a time. Early in our marriage Christ confronted Terry with an area of sin. He could have said "no Lord, too hard, too much, and too fun to take down. No I won't I can't." But instead he took that big huge heavy block off the top. And you know what he found. That it wasn't so hard to move because he had not moved it alone. Christ had pushed from the other side. When that one block was moved so much light busted into our cell that it created a thirst, a deep desire to move more. It shined light into my cell. It made me want to bust out too. We have been on this demolition journey for several years. It has been tough, tedious work. And just when we think we are done we trip on one that we forgot. We are battle scarred. But it has been so worth it. So much so that one of the deepest desires of my heart has been that those around me would begin to break out of the sin cell. Dear sisters in Christ, we all know that one thing that God has asked us to deal with over and over and we refuse. But if you will just trust Him to help you move it and get rid of it what He replaces it with is far better than you could ever imagine. It will drive you to destroy the other blocks that have held you back for so long. And one final thing, remember we are not in these prisons alone. We have our children in here with us. If we do not break free we lead them to their own cells. May we roll up our sleeves and set to work!! If you need help I am here!
Love you all so much
Carrie
Also wanted to know if any of you are interested in trying to meet again. I was thinking this time of an early Saturday morning. Let me know what you think.
Love you all so much
Carrie
Also wanted to know if any of you are interested in trying to meet again. I was thinking this time of an early Saturday morning. Let me know what you think.
Friday, April 29, 2011
my feet had almost slipped.....
Morning my friends.
Last night my husband drug himself home after a very long day. He was relieved to be home and showered but he could not shake his heavy heart. Since Wednesday he has been working with the power crews. (Thankfully he has not been on the power poles) He worked on a road yesterday that just a couple of weeks ago was full of homes and trees and life and now nothing is there. No homes, no trees, no life, just devastation. His heart and now mine is broken for these people. I am sure your heart is too. All week I have been rolling ideas around about what to share with you girls. It seems since I do this so much that I now think in emails. Ha! I had thought maybe I would share some thoughts on carnal Christians or maybe even how kids are meant to be a blessing not a burden. But after the storm one scripture just kept resonating in my mind. It is Psalm 73. I shared it with my Sunday school one morning but it seems to fit now too. I have been thinking of all this destruction so close to us, it seems these are hopeless times. Asaph the writer of this Psalm felt the same way too. He starts out saying
Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
But then the next verse says
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.When we begin to look at the world around us at all the hurting and pain we can begin to slip. Slip in our faith, slip in our trust in God. He continues..
For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles' their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man they are not plagued by human ills
Skipping on down to verse 12 He continues lamenting
This is what the wicked are like- always carefree, they increase in wealth.
Isn't it strange in the same 30 min news segment to see the tornado damage and the Royal wedding? If we take our eyes off Him for a second we too will say the same. Asaph goes on to say that
Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure
the next couple of verses he lists all that he has been through. He is sort of complaining. Saying "I have it so hard and they have it so easy".... But then my most favorite part
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
The verses that follow that he begins to repent saying
I was senseless and ignorant...a brute beast before you
Please tell me you can relate....
Then this is my most favorite part. I know I have already said that but this is my really really favorite part
Yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.....
Then ending it with
But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
That makes me want to shout...seriously! There are tribulations all around. Physical tornadoes and then the tornadoes that wreck our families, our souls. But to quote John MacArthur "we cannot let our faith be buried under self-pity" Make Him our refuge! The next time you are tempted to go by what is seen and question your God go to this Psalm and read it till you believe it again. As always I am shouting at myself! Despite the circumstances we are not left alone on this planet, you are loved madly, there is a plan bigger than you and there is a God bigger than you at work in you and around you! Sorry again for the length of this. Also on a side note....if you read this and are my friend and you happen to catch me on a bad day You are not allowed to quote my blog back to me!!!!!!!! You know who you are!
As always I am with you in this, you are not a One-Only
Carrie
Last night my husband drug himself home after a very long day. He was relieved to be home and showered but he could not shake his heavy heart. Since Wednesday he has been working with the power crews. (Thankfully he has not been on the power poles) He worked on a road yesterday that just a couple of weeks ago was full of homes and trees and life and now nothing is there. No homes, no trees, no life, just devastation. His heart and now mine is broken for these people. I am sure your heart is too. All week I have been rolling ideas around about what to share with you girls. It seems since I do this so much that I now think in emails. Ha! I had thought maybe I would share some thoughts on carnal Christians or maybe even how kids are meant to be a blessing not a burden. But after the storm one scripture just kept resonating in my mind. It is Psalm 73. I shared it with my Sunday school one morning but it seems to fit now too. I have been thinking of all this destruction so close to us, it seems these are hopeless times. Asaph the writer of this Psalm felt the same way too. He starts out saying
Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
But then the next verse says
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.When we begin to look at the world around us at all the hurting and pain we can begin to slip. Slip in our faith, slip in our trust in God. He continues..
For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have no struggles' their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man they are not plagued by human ills
Skipping on down to verse 12 He continues lamenting
This is what the wicked are like- always carefree, they increase in wealth.
Isn't it strange in the same 30 min news segment to see the tornado damage and the Royal wedding? If we take our eyes off Him for a second we too will say the same. Asaph goes on to say that
Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure
the next couple of verses he lists all that he has been through. He is sort of complaining. Saying "I have it so hard and they have it so easy".... But then my most favorite part
till I entered the sanctuary of God;
The verses that follow that he begins to repent saying
I was senseless and ignorant...a brute beast before you
Please tell me you can relate....
Then this is my most favorite part. I know I have already said that but this is my really really favorite part
Yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.....
Then ending it with
But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
That makes me want to shout...seriously! There are tribulations all around. Physical tornadoes and then the tornadoes that wreck our families, our souls. But to quote John MacArthur "we cannot let our faith be buried under self-pity" Make Him our refuge! The next time you are tempted to go by what is seen and question your God go to this Psalm and read it till you believe it again. As always I am shouting at myself! Despite the circumstances we are not left alone on this planet, you are loved madly, there is a plan bigger than you and there is a God bigger than you at work in you and around you! Sorry again for the length of this. Also on a side note....if you read this and are my friend and you happen to catch me on a bad day You are not allowed to quote my blog back to me!!!!!!!! You know who you are!
As always I am with you in this, you are not a One-Only
Carrie
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Truth, Lies and Worms
Good Morning Friends!
Monday morning as Terry was praying with me he prayed that God would help me to believe only His truth. There are times when it feels like Terry knows me better than me and it really ticks me off. But this time it warmed my heart and made me crumble. He had nailed it. Silently, secretly lies had wormed their way into my brain. Worms, that is what they are. The kids are working on a garden and in the process have dug up lots of worms. Now I have read that worms are good for gardens. So after they have brought each one to show me I have instructed for them to put them back. The worms I am talking about here are not the good kind but the bad kind that eats and destroys whatever is good growing in your mind. I have thought about lies and truth ever since Terry prayed that over me. Our minds are like a plot of ground. Our thoughts can either till the ground so that truth can be planted and we grow or thoughts can be a shovel that digs and digs away at the ground and soon we are so deeply in that we can't get out. We can't even see light anymore. Been there? Lies come from everywhere. They can come from within, since we are first fleshly beings. They can come from without. You will never convince me that what you watch, read, listen to, hang out with does not influence your thinking. I have heard it said there are two dogs inside us. One being the flesh the other the Spirit. Whichever one you feed will get bigger and stronger until it chases the other dog away! Which one are you feeding? It is so easy to feed the flesh. Flip on the t.v and you can spend mindless hours feasting on every pleasure you fancy. Listen to any station up and down the dial and you will find a song that will validate your mood and emotions. Peruse any trash-azine at the grocery aisle and stuff yourself with fluff. Oh but what is the harvest from that? Things left undone, actions and decisions based on our rights, wants and desires. When will we see that what we put in really comes out? To feed the Spirit takes work just like anything worthwhile. It takes making time to sit before the Father and let Him speak truth to you from His word and sometimes He whispers it in your ear. It is too sweet! It takes having the strength to pull the weeds or getting rid of all that crud that you are stuffing in. In addition to His word find a good book by a godly author and read. Even in little bits at a time. Some of us have never moved any closer to God than our conversion. And I want to tell you there is just so much more to this relationship. God is really very romantic in His wooing. He is tender and strong. I have found Him able to be trusted with my deepest darkest secrets and failures. Further on in Romans 1 Paul says that those who have exchanged truth for lies are senseless, faithless, heartless he even goes so far as to lump in murderers, evil, gossips ,God-Haters! It is is bad enough to be called faithless but to be listed in with murderers and God-Haters...This is serious! I also find it scary that in the same chapter he says that they exchanged natural desires for the unnatural. Now he was speaking of things they were involved in sexually (women, too) But I have known women who ingested lies instead of truth and as a result had no desire to mother their own children and walked away from their husbands. Definitely not natural. This life has enough pitfalls and snares but to continue on without His word takes away the guard rails, the bumper zones. How do we know what is a lie? In my experience a lie divides me. From God, from Terry from my children, from my true purpose. The truth propels me toward God, toward Terry toward Caleb, Grace-Ann and Jacob toward my purpose. I hope this email makes you sober in your walk but also free from the entanglement of lies. Run and be free, life is so much better that way. I love you.
Untangling myself even now,
Carrie
Monday morning as Terry was praying with me he prayed that God would help me to believe only His truth. There are times when it feels like Terry knows me better than me and it really ticks me off. But this time it warmed my heart and made me crumble. He had nailed it. Silently, secretly lies had wormed their way into my brain. Worms, that is what they are. The kids are working on a garden and in the process have dug up lots of worms. Now I have read that worms are good for gardens. So after they have brought each one to show me I have instructed for them to put them back. The worms I am talking about here are not the good kind but the bad kind that eats and destroys whatever is good growing in your mind. I have thought about lies and truth ever since Terry prayed that over me. Our minds are like a plot of ground. Our thoughts can either till the ground so that truth can be planted and we grow or thoughts can be a shovel that digs and digs away at the ground and soon we are so deeply in that we can't get out. We can't even see light anymore. Been there? Lies come from everywhere. They can come from within, since we are first fleshly beings. They can come from without. You will never convince me that what you watch, read, listen to, hang out with does not influence your thinking. I have heard it said there are two dogs inside us. One being the flesh the other the Spirit. Whichever one you feed will get bigger and stronger until it chases the other dog away! Which one are you feeding? It is so easy to feed the flesh. Flip on the t.v and you can spend mindless hours feasting on every pleasure you fancy. Listen to any station up and down the dial and you will find a song that will validate your mood and emotions. Peruse any trash-azine at the grocery aisle and stuff yourself with fluff. Oh but what is the harvest from that? Things left undone, actions and decisions based on our rights, wants and desires. When will we see that what we put in really comes out? To feed the Spirit takes work just like anything worthwhile. It takes making time to sit before the Father and let Him speak truth to you from His word and sometimes He whispers it in your ear. It is too sweet! It takes having the strength to pull the weeds or getting rid of all that crud that you are stuffing in. In addition to His word find a good book by a godly author and read. Even in little bits at a time. Some of us have never moved any closer to God than our conversion. And I want to tell you there is just so much more to this relationship. God is really very romantic in His wooing. He is tender and strong. I have found Him able to be trusted with my deepest darkest secrets and failures. Further on in Romans 1 Paul says that those who have exchanged truth for lies are senseless, faithless, heartless he even goes so far as to lump in murderers, evil, gossips ,God-Haters! It is is bad enough to be called faithless but to be listed in with murderers and God-Haters...This is serious! I also find it scary that in the same chapter he says that they exchanged natural desires for the unnatural. Now he was speaking of things they were involved in sexually (women, too) But I have known women who ingested lies instead of truth and as a result had no desire to mother their own children and walked away from their husbands. Definitely not natural. This life has enough pitfalls and snares but to continue on without His word takes away the guard rails, the bumper zones. How do we know what is a lie? In my experience a lie divides me. From God, from Terry from my children, from my true purpose. The truth propels me toward God, toward Terry toward Caleb, Grace-Ann and Jacob toward my purpose. I hope this email makes you sober in your walk but also free from the entanglement of lies. Run and be free, life is so much better that way. I love you.
Untangling myself even now,
Carrie
Monday, April 11, 2011
a God-Ordained Deficiency
Good Morning all! This morning I woke up with a very bad pain in my neck. I think it is from all the sneezing and coughing I have been doing. Could really use another trip to the chiropractor but I just went a couple of weeks ago! When my neck gets like this it makes it really painful to do the smallest of chores. Cooking or washing dishes can be difficult even sitting to just read to the kids is hard. It is so aggravating to have so much to do but be unable to get it all done. Can any of you relate? Well last night in our "Radical" class we discussed just that. I am not one to harp at anyone for missing church but I wish you could all be apart of this amazing small group. Last night I was so overcome with conviction that I could hardly speak. We discussed how God uses us and others in our weaknesses. Not our strengths which honestly we would all prefer. I think when He uses us through our "God-given" abilities we think we get to share in a little bit of His glory. And we look so fabulous when we get to do something great for Him! But that is not how He chooses to do His most powerful work. No one admires weakness or flaws. As I mentioned in my last email I HATE my weaknesses! One area I have always hated is how there is just never enough money. (I am sure some of you can relate to that!) With three kids there is always someone in need of shoes, clothes, trips and so on and so on. I have always hated saying to the kids "well I can't get that for you just yet" or "we will have to wait on that" I have always longed for the moment when there would be enough money for everything everyone needed and wanted. Last night I was faced with the truth that God has done His most amazing work in my life concerning my lack in this area. Who am I to deny the King of the Universe an area in my life. An area where He desires to get glory from I have said "NO!" or "Enough" How truly rotten. So last night Terry and I continued to grapple with this issue. The only thing we could think of was we are going to have to totally transform our thinking. I mean scrape all this "moral filth" out and replace with His truth. I mean really scrape cause it is clinging to my heart and brain. Like barnacles stuck to a boat. (Sorry we are reading about ocean life in school) I woke up with the pain in my neck and a heavy feeling in my chest. But God took the heaviness away this morning in my time with Him. I laid it at His feet. Asked forgiveness and begged Him to transform and renew my mind. I can't even begin to do this on my own. To take pride in my humble estate as it says in James. As Americans, as humans we try to get out of our humble estate to something better and grander! And really can I truly call what I am living in humble? Compared to what millions of others are living in and dealing with, going without. I think not. I have rambled on so this morning I know. Forgive me. Sometimes these emails help me to process what God is doing in my heart. I hope that today when you begin to loathe a certain area of your life I hope this gives you a new perspective. That this flaw or weakness or lack is a God-Ordained deficiency.
Love you and have a great week walking with Him
Carrie
Love you and have a great week walking with Him
Carrie
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
My mirror needed cleaning....
Good Morning Everyone! This sunshine is simply amazing isn't it! I don't know if all of you heard the news but last week we had someone call and offer to pay for the first step of our adoption! To type the words "we were excited" just doesn't sound right. We were over the moon. We knew God told us to adopt. We knew we didn't have the means ourselves to adopt. We knew we were to wait on God to provide. However when He did we were floored! We literally fell on our face! Which leads me to the meat of my email...
Alot of people have been sending us emails or telling us how "good" we are. I have heard this from all types of people. I have been told that I was so "good" for staying home with my kids. That I am "good" for homeschooling. I am a "good" christian. I am a "good" wife, a "good" cook, a "good" person for adopting someone of another race, another baby...... Now don't get me wrong I love complements as much as the next girl but to call ME "good" makes me think Ha!
One of the books I am reading right now is titled Feminine Appeal, by Carolyn Mahaney. In it she talks about the Bible calling us to kindness and goodness. Ouch! She quotes another author who defines kindness as a sincere desire for the happiness of others. And goodness as the activity calculated to advance that happiness. Again I say Ouch! I don't know if that really defines me most of the time. So this email I thought I would share maybe confess how I am really not good or kind, alot!
Here goes....
1. I have a temper. I am sure there are a million excuses I could use with this but I won't. It is a lack of self-control!
2. I yell at my kids alot. I hate this about me and have really tried to work on it.
3. I am impatient with my kids but can be patient and hold my tongue
with people I dont even know, like the cashier or bank lady. So wrong I know!
4. Showering sometimes seems like a big ordeal that I would rather skip if I am not going anywhere! (Hey don't judge a confessing sinner)
5. I don't like to ask anyone for anything. I think this would fall under the category of pride. I don't like to appear like I need anything.
6. I weigh myself everyday. Sometimes it ruins my day if I don't and panic all day about if I gained or not. Again pride rears its ugly head!
7. I have a problem with authority. Terry was the first one to point this out after we were married. To put a better spin on it I just don't like to be told what to do. That really doesn't sound any better. This has been a struggle since I was in school. Believe it or not I was the girl always being put out in the hall or being sent to the office. It is true. I have come a long way. But sometimes I revert to my old ways and become stiff necked and unsubmissive!
8. I am a starter not a finisher. Yuck I hate typing that. Right now I am reading 3 different books. Crazy I know. Maybe I have ADD. Nope just lack of perseverance. More sin!
9. I don't sleep much at night. This is connected to the sin of worrying. I have also come a long way here too but struggle at times still.
10. Since I confessed #9 I must confess I don't like to get up early. I have recently tried to change my ways and have found some new success in this area. But it is a daily struggle.
11. I love to eat out! Sometimes when our budget doesn't allow it I get a little pouty. That was a hard one to confess!
12. I am a recovering hypochondriac.
13. I am usually behind in my laundry.
14. I usually have mildewed kitchen rags. I know so ugly. I think this falls under laziness. And gross!
15. I worry about what people will think of me alot. After I send this email I will worry that you know me better and you find me weird, or lazy or worse not "good" But now it is confessed!
So now you know part of the real me. NOw you know truly there is nothing good or kind that comes from me naturally. I am a cracked pot. Anything that comes from me that is worthy of praise truly comes from the work of my Heavenly Father who is the creator of all good things. I get squeezed with conviction everyday of my life. The more time I spend with Him the more I realize how awful I really am. I read this morning that our souls are mirrors reflecting our God. And our sin clouds the mirror. I am constantly in need of cleansing. How about you?
Lovingly passing the Windex,
Carrie
Alot of people have been sending us emails or telling us how "good" we are. I have heard this from all types of people. I have been told that I was so "good" for staying home with my kids. That I am "good" for homeschooling. I am a "good" christian. I am a "good" wife, a "good" cook, a "good" person for adopting someone of another race, another baby...... Now don't get me wrong I love complements as much as the next girl but to call ME "good" makes me think Ha!
One of the books I am reading right now is titled Feminine Appeal, by Carolyn Mahaney. In it she talks about the Bible calling us to kindness and goodness. Ouch! She quotes another author who defines kindness as a sincere desire for the happiness of others. And goodness as the activity calculated to advance that happiness. Again I say Ouch! I don't know if that really defines me most of the time. So this email I thought I would share maybe confess how I am really not good or kind, alot!
Here goes....
1. I have a temper. I am sure there are a million excuses I could use with this but I won't. It is a lack of self-control!
2. I yell at my kids alot. I hate this about me and have really tried to work on it.
3. I am impatient with my kids but can be patient and hold my tongue
with people I dont even know, like the cashier or bank lady. So wrong I know!
4. Showering sometimes seems like a big ordeal that I would rather skip if I am not going anywhere! (Hey don't judge a confessing sinner)
5. I don't like to ask anyone for anything. I think this would fall under the category of pride. I don't like to appear like I need anything.
6. I weigh myself everyday. Sometimes it ruins my day if I don't and panic all day about if I gained or not. Again pride rears its ugly head!
7. I have a problem with authority. Terry was the first one to point this out after we were married. To put a better spin on it I just don't like to be told what to do. That really doesn't sound any better. This has been a struggle since I was in school. Believe it or not I was the girl always being put out in the hall or being sent to the office. It is true. I have come a long way. But sometimes I revert to my old ways and become stiff necked and unsubmissive!
8. I am a starter not a finisher. Yuck I hate typing that. Right now I am reading 3 different books. Crazy I know. Maybe I have ADD. Nope just lack of perseverance. More sin!
9. I don't sleep much at night. This is connected to the sin of worrying. I have also come a long way here too but struggle at times still.
10. Since I confessed #9 I must confess I don't like to get up early. I have recently tried to change my ways and have found some new success in this area. But it is a daily struggle.
11. I love to eat out! Sometimes when our budget doesn't allow it I get a little pouty. That was a hard one to confess!
12. I am a recovering hypochondriac.
13. I am usually behind in my laundry.
14. I usually have mildewed kitchen rags. I know so ugly. I think this falls under laziness. And gross!
15. I worry about what people will think of me alot. After I send this email I will worry that you know me better and you find me weird, or lazy or worse not "good" But now it is confessed!
So now you know part of the real me. NOw you know truly there is nothing good or kind that comes from me naturally. I am a cracked pot. Anything that comes from me that is worthy of praise truly comes from the work of my Heavenly Father who is the creator of all good things. I get squeezed with conviction everyday of my life. The more time I spend with Him the more I realize how awful I really am. I read this morning that our souls are mirrors reflecting our God. And our sin clouds the mirror. I am constantly in need of cleansing. How about you?
Lovingly passing the Windex,
Carrie
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