A sharp tongued momma and a priest

Morning!  IIIIIIIt's Monday!!
I am coming from an especially low point this morning.  One of the ugliest things about me is I can really lose my temper with my kids.  I have confessed that to you before.  It grieves me more than anything else in my life.  I will work really hard and do well and then bam I totally lose it!!  I hate it.  Last night was one of those times.  We had arrived home from CHURCH of all places and there was grumbling in the camp.  I came down the hallway to catch two (who shall remain nameless) pushing each other around like barn animals! I had a fit.  A loud fit.  Louder than the two culprits had been.  I am almost sure I may have flailed my arms and jumped up and down.  When I was finished spitting and spewing I came down to see the two involved crying, the innocent one (who was naked)had come into watch the spectacle and was crying too.  Not to mention my dear sweet husband was standing speechless.  I think they were waiting for my head to spin around and smoke to come out of my ears! I turned around in a huff and colapsed in a heap in my chair in my room.  Oddly enough same place I have my quiet time.  Immediate conviction squeezed my soul.  There it was again and I hated it.  This sin makes my heart feel as black as night.  It reminds me how very unholy I really am.  An hour later found  all the family in our sitting room.  I had sobbed and apologized.  We  all cried.  I would like to think that they felt bad for their part in it but really I think it was tears of "mom has gone crazy just like I knew she would one day and what is going to happen to us now oh maybe we can go live with nana" tears!  I went to bed and awoke with a heavy hopeless feeling.  Dreading any interaction with the kids, just knowing I would fail!  Everyone else bounded up ready to start the day.  I wanted to cover up my head, crawl in a hole, or disappear.  But Oh how I am grateful for my husband.  He is most always hopeful and optimistic.  My visions of the future can involve gloom and doom where his are always bright and beautiful!  He spoke words of life over me.  He reminded me of the time when Moses had been up on that mountain with God and the people down below were grumbling.  Aaron actually instructed the complaining group to build a golden cow that they could worship! Then made up some lame excuse to the angry Moses that the cow just popped out of the fire!  Now before you question what does this have any thing to do with my sin.  Imagine what a failure Aaron must have felt like.  He knew his brother was on a mountain with God. He had seen God part the red sea for crying out loud!!   And still made such a stupid mistake.  He led God's chosen people in worshiping another!  Talk about SIN!  I can see Aaron wanting to hide in his tent after the confrontation with Moses.  Not wanting to show his face to the people.  Wanting to give up, crawl in a hole, cover up his head.  But as messed up as he was,  God still wanted to use him, still had a plan for him.  God in His grace still desired Aaron to be the head priest of His wonderful tabernacle.  As big as my mistake was, God's forgiveness is bigger and His grace is greater. I must walk in that truth and not wallow in my weakness no matter how big.  He still wants to use me, still has a plan for me.  Through His Holy Spirit I will learn to control my tongue, hopefully sooner rather than later.  But when I fall and I will again and again, I must cling to the fact that He delights in using broken vessels and messed up priests.  It shows off His greatness when He uses the weak.  "Dear God please fill in my gaps.  I have so many.  Help me to speak softly and slowly even when breaking up fights, teaching long multiplication, and present tense verbs.  When I am cooking lunch, when I step on legos, when I am cleaning up toothpaste that some guy named "not me" squirted on the counter again!  In your word Father it  says that anger does not bring about the righteousness that you desire.  Please shut me up and you speak through me."  Amen  I hope that this yuck I shared with you can some how encourage you in your own sin struggle.  I am about to leave this computer and be knee deep in it again, I covet your prayers the way you have mine.
Here we go
Carrie