Me and the Israelites....

Do you ever get tired of the same old struggles?  I do.  I have a relationship in my life that if left up to me I would choose to avoid.  It causes pain and confusion and never lives up to my expectations.  It doesn't appear to be getting any better no matter how hard I try.  But that is what I feel like God just spoke to me a little bit ago.  That once again I was trying in my own power and strength to fix this relationship.  The truth is I am just not strong enough.  The truth is I must confess to God that only He can bring healing in this relationship.  The truth is that His healing may not be the way I want it to be.  The truth is the healing may not come this side of heaven, no matter how bad I want it to be here, now.  He has reminded me of this time and time again.  But here I am this morning still going round and round with it in my heart and mind.  My humanness wants everything to be right and peaceful and pleasant all the time.  But the very humanness of me and others around me prevents that from being.  It is so very easy to get discouraged.  To want to sit in the Kroger parking lot and cry over it.  (Not that I have ever done that or anything)  Last night as I was reading in the Bible, in Numbers, about how God told Moses to record all that the Israelites had went through on their journey to the promised land I was struck once more of the similarities of me and them.  Both freed from bondage.  Both ongoing struggles of doubt, disobedience, rebellions.  They finally arriving at their destination, me a hope of the land ahead.  Moses recorded that they camped here then left and stayed there.  Camped there, left here, camped here, left there.  Each stage along the way God teaching them, guiding them, forgiving them then having to teach them all over again.  Totally familiar to me!  I have spent countless energy mulling, complaining, crying over this situation that refuses to be fixed then reminded that He is in control of it all along.  His discipline is bittersweet.  It hurts that I have failed to give Him this matter AGAIN.  But sweet to know He takes me back forgives me and speaks comforting words over me and my life and the life of my children.  That He has not left us out in the desert to fiend for ourselves, He has a plan.  One that will be better and have sweeter results than what I ever could have brought about on my own.  And like the Israelites I have made progress all along the way.  Be it small at times it is still a step taking me closer to Him.  How grateful I am for His Sovereignty.  I know this has been more like a journal entry into my diary than an email.  But as always it is where I am at this morning.  Overwhelmed at where He has brought me and all the healing He has already done in my life.  Hopeful that as I stay faithful and hold to His hand for dear life that more is still to come.  Tearful that I briefly let go of His trusting hand.  Bruised from my stumbling when I went my own way with things.  Comforted that once again my Heavenly Father came and got me, scolded me for running off then cleaning me up lovingly once again.  We are walking again this morning together.  I hope this encourages you too to hold on. 
     Dear Father please forgive me for allowing my thoughts to swerve me off the path.  I have stewed over this one relationship.  Questioned why you would have me still dealing with it when it seems to not make sense and hurts some.  Please fill in the gaps around me for my husband, for me and for my kids.  You are the ultimate Healer and Provider.  Thank you for bringing me back to you.  Thank you for what you have done and what I am confident you are going to do in the future for my family.
In Your Name, Amen.
Hope you girls have a great week! Get in the Word and Stay in the Word!
Carrie

A sharp tongued momma and a priest

Morning!  IIIIIIIt's Monday!!
I am coming from an especially low point this morning.  One of the ugliest things about me is I can really lose my temper with my kids.  I have confessed that to you before.  It grieves me more than anything else in my life.  I will work really hard and do well and then bam I totally lose it!!  I hate it.  Last night was one of those times.  We had arrived home from CHURCH of all places and there was grumbling in the camp.  I came down the hallway to catch two (who shall remain nameless) pushing each other around like barn animals! I had a fit.  A loud fit.  Louder than the two culprits had been.  I am almost sure I may have flailed my arms and jumped up and down.  When I was finished spitting and spewing I came down to see the two involved crying, the innocent one (who was naked)had come into watch the spectacle and was crying too.  Not to mention my dear sweet husband was standing speechless.  I think they were waiting for my head to spin around and smoke to come out of my ears! I turned around in a huff and colapsed in a heap in my chair in my room.  Oddly enough same place I have my quiet time.  Immediate conviction squeezed my soul.  There it was again and I hated it.  This sin makes my heart feel as black as night.  It reminds me how very unholy I really am.  An hour later found  all the family in our sitting room.  I had sobbed and apologized.  We  all cried.  I would like to think that they felt bad for their part in it but really I think it was tears of "mom has gone crazy just like I knew she would one day and what is going to happen to us now oh maybe we can go live with nana" tears!  I went to bed and awoke with a heavy hopeless feeling.  Dreading any interaction with the kids, just knowing I would fail!  Everyone else bounded up ready to start the day.  I wanted to cover up my head, crawl in a hole, or disappear.  But Oh how I am grateful for my husband.  He is most always hopeful and optimistic.  My visions of the future can involve gloom and doom where his are always bright and beautiful!  He spoke words of life over me.  He reminded me of the time when Moses had been up on that mountain with God and the people down below were grumbling.  Aaron actually instructed the complaining group to build a golden cow that they could worship! Then made up some lame excuse to the angry Moses that the cow just popped out of the fire!  Now before you question what does this have any thing to do with my sin.  Imagine what a failure Aaron must have felt like.  He knew his brother was on a mountain with God. He had seen God part the red sea for crying out loud!!   And still made such a stupid mistake.  He led God's chosen people in worshiping another!  Talk about SIN!  I can see Aaron wanting to hide in his tent after the confrontation with Moses.  Not wanting to show his face to the people.  Wanting to give up, crawl in a hole, cover up his head.  But as messed up as he was,  God still wanted to use him, still had a plan for him.  God in His grace still desired Aaron to be the head priest of His wonderful tabernacle.  As big as my mistake was, God's forgiveness is bigger and His grace is greater. I must walk in that truth and not wallow in my weakness no matter how big.  He still wants to use me, still has a plan for me.  Through His Holy Spirit I will learn to control my tongue, hopefully sooner rather than later.  But when I fall and I will again and again, I must cling to the fact that He delights in using broken vessels and messed up priests.  It shows off His greatness when He uses the weak.  "Dear God please fill in my gaps.  I have so many.  Help me to speak softly and slowly even when breaking up fights, teaching long multiplication, and present tense verbs.  When I am cooking lunch, when I step on legos, when I am cleaning up toothpaste that some guy named "not me" squirted on the counter again!  In your word Father it  says that anger does not bring about the righteousness that you desire.  Please shut me up and you speak through me."  Amen  I hope that this yuck I shared with you can some how encourage you in your own sin struggle.  I am about to leave this computer and be knee deep in it again, I covet your prayers the way you have mine.
Here we go
Carrie

Sin Stinks!

When I first accepted Christ I thought that eventually you would get so close to Him that sin wouldn't be such a struggle.  What a joke!  Now I realize that the closer you get to Him the more sin is magnified.  I hate sin.  Sin stinks.  Terry and I were just discussing late last night how much we hated sin.  Our own sins and just sin in general.  Then he fell fast asleep and I was left to ponder sin and the effects it has on others for the rest of the night!  Ugh!  Sin is something that our Holy God takes very seriously and so should we.  It is scary to me that so many of us think because we don't take part in the "really bad stuff" we are pretty good.  But in my experience it is those sins that we keep secret.  The ones that we cover up and make look nice that are really hideous and can do the most damage.  In Matthew Jesus strongly rebukes the Pharisees.  Saying "you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men's bones and uncleanness.  Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.  Woe to you"  This morning when I was reading this I first thought how awful  it would be for the Savior of the world to say "Woe to you" meaning me.  These Pharisees had it all together they thought.  But they did not deal with the inward heart and mind.  Or rather allow Christ to deal with their heart and mind.  As Christians we must deal with our sin.  In my mind I picture sin as a dungeon.  Each gray rough dull cement block keeps us from being free.  It keeps us from purity, loveliness, peace and true contentment.  Christ is on the other side of the prison calling to us.  We can hear Him.  But those big gray blocks are so heavy and I have to pick each one up out of the way.  So I decide this is my lot in life, to stay here.  I was born here why should I expect anything else.  We look around and see everyone else in their cells so we try to make our cell look pretty.  We paint it.  We hang stuff on the walls.  Banners that say "I can't help it" or "I accept myself" or "Home sweet home"  But still there is that voice that we just barely hear over our pride, lust, gossip, overeating, under eating, anxiety, bitterness, selfishness.  We think we hear someone singing....Something about love and freedom.  But it is beyond all this and too much work.  So we still try to make a life in this dark damp place.  Making the best of it!  Every day we have a choice to stay here like those around us or to begin the long process of dealing with our sin one block at a time.  Early in our marriage Christ confronted Terry with an area of sin.  He could have said "no Lord, too hard, too much, and too fun to take down.  No I won't I can't."  But instead he took that big huge heavy block off the top.  And you know what he found.  That it wasn't so hard to move because he had not moved it alone.  Christ had pushed from the other side.  When that one block was moved so much light busted into our cell that it created a thirst, a deep desire to move more.  It shined light into my cell.  It made me want to bust out too.  We have been on this demolition journey for several years.  It has been tough, tedious work.  And just when we think we are done we trip on one that we forgot.  We are battle scarred.  But it has been so worth it.  So much so that one of the deepest desires of my heart has been that those around me would begin to break out of the sin cell.  Dear sisters in Christ, we all know that one thing that God has asked us to deal with over and over and we refuse.  But if you will just trust Him to help you move it and get rid of it what He replaces it with is far better than you could ever imagine.  It will drive you to destroy the other blocks that have held you back for so long.  And one final thing, remember we are not in these prisons alone.  We have our children in here with us.  If we do not break free we lead them to their own cells.   May we roll up our sleeves and set to work!!  If you need help I am here!
Love you all so much
Carrie
Also wanted to know if any of you are interested in trying to meet again.  I was thinking this time of an early Saturday morning.  Let me know what you think.