It hit me like a ton of bricks just a few minutes ago....I am a parental failure! I have come to realize I have been parenting all wrong the whole time and I only hope God's grace will cover all my mistakes and fill in the gaps. I am ashamed to admit but feel compelled to share at the same time. Go ahead and call me "Crazy". Maybe in my confession I can prevent any of you who are behind me from making the same mistakes.
I am just going to say it real fast.
I have tried to prevent my kids from suffering.
It all started at the moment of conception. When I started backing off of caffeine and artificial sweeteners during pregnancy. Not wanting to hurt their developing brains and cause ADD or something. (which obviously didn't work) Those things were smart. But then came advice like "don't raise your arms over your head or you could wrap the umbilical cord around the baby's neck". What??? Now while I did not follow that little nugget I have found my self from infant to teen, trying to buffer, what the world outside my four walls could hurl at my 3, soon to be 4 little offspring. Obviously trying to prevent physical harm is right along with what my Heavenly Father would ask but as far as suffering period I think I have done them an injustice. News Flash kids: people are going to be mean to you. They are going to hit, lie, judge, spit, push, gossip and all other horrible things to you. Just as they did to our Jesus. All of this started out of a very pure motivation. I love them. And not to uncover all the stuff that I asked Jesus to toss, but my own growing up had a little more pain in it than I wanted for my own children. But now as I wade through these new waters called "gulp" puberty I think I have neglected the pure prize of suffering. A follower of Christ can not deny that never are we closer to the heart of God than when we are hurting. Over and over again God declares "I am close to the broken hearted". Please don't misunderstand what I am saying. I am definitely not endorsing chasing after pain or risks in order to draw near to God. I have simply discovered the joy in the pain that comes at a believer on this journey. And I do not want to over protect and deny my children of the shaping that takes place through the bumpy and sometimes harsh moments of life. At the ripe old age of 35 I can shout "I am grateful for the God-ordained suffering". For example, watching my parents divorce caused me to search for and treasure a Godly husband. Call me mushy but yes I still dang near swoon every day of my life with Terry Eugene Smith. (Get.Over.It. and go swoon over your man and quit making fun of me.) Trying not to sound cliche here but those gut-wrenching days made me who I am today. Broken. Redeemed. Healed. Yes, healed. He rescued me. He healed me. Tears flow from grateful eyes and a humble heart. Do I really want to pull my kids out of those moments? Only putting them around people just like them? Only putting them in situations where they will succeed? If so, where is their need for Christ? Even now Satan whispers this will be misunderstood. What kind of parent wishes pain on their children's lives? That is not what I pray for. I pray for Christ to heal their hurts. I pray for Christ to be their best friend when there is no one, not one. I pray for God to show through them His glory in the midst of victories, yes, but more often their humility. I pray that their testimony be potent to a hurting world.
Isaiah 61:1 is a prayer of my heart. That as my wounds have been bound and as I have been set free, that I may in turn be used to do the same. That is where the beauty of the suffering shines. Caleb, Grace-Ann, Jacob.....May the Spirit of the Lord God be upon you, may you bring good news to the poor; may you bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound. .
